I am currently speechless. Maybe I am angry at myself. Maybe I'm angry at life itself. I envy the intelligence of others. An intelligence that seems to be always there, unchanging. It is unlike mine, triggered by either clarity of thought or intensity of pressure. It is not intelligence that am envy of, it is its unchanging nature. Because deep down, an intelligence, a sensitivity that changes is uncertain, wavering, fragile. Such qualities are prone to failure. While I believe failure being good in the long scheme of things, they are failure nonetheless. And failures hurt people. Often those whom you care and love too.

Such is not without solution however as this intelligence is triggered by pressure which is induced by failure. But it doesn't change the hurt like how it changes my intelligence.

While I can repeatedly learn from the error of my ways, I also learned to fear. What if I weren't so "lucky" next time? I may never get a chance to learn about my mistakes again. Life often offers only limited chances. God has almost always favored me enough to present the option of redemption. But I fear deeply that my next failure won't be as kind to me. My current failure may not even be. Even though I wish, with every fiber of my being that it would.

I guess life is ultimately unkind. It challenges you, asks difficult questions, presents no way out only to save you in the very end. Some fall and let go before it pulls them up. I won't. There is simply too much to lose, too much that I have lost, too much that I will lose, and too much to look forward to.

I shall sign off with a piece of something that always manage to calm my heart.


It calms the present but looks towards the future. It is a piece that is like a bird flying across a calm lake. Always loved it. And I believe everything will be fine. For every door closed, there will be a window. And if the window closed, a chimney for me to climb.

Hello world.


Ha... On hindsight, I sound as pretentious as ever, loathing myself as if I have the right to do so. To sum all these up, three words: I am sorry.

It hurts much more to hurt others than to get hurt yourself... Ah... The hardest two days in my life. I do wish I can cry sometimes, the feeling of everything holding up in me is sometimes really... Too much to bear... Why... Why can't I save anyone, friends or family. What is my point of existence if I can't even realize my dream on the tiniest of scale?

2013-04-11
啊……日记。也许是Clementi Camp的原因，待这儿一会儿就开始不自觉地手痒，想写东西。

一句醒一句睡得挺着军官讲着有关训练的事宜，看着他们使尽浑身解数也不能让我们心中提起哪怕一点点兴趣的无奈，我嘴角浅笑。我们都是两年了的老兵，激励士气这种对付新兵崽子的东西对我们这些老兵油子没用。

午饭时今天让我最向往的活动。吃了一年多半温不冷，充满纸盒气息的“外卖”，新鲜出炉的吃食让我感到无比幸福。而有了它的点缀，这三个星期的训练至少让我感到那么一点点的乐趣。

一点一横长，一撇到南洋，南洋两棵树，长在石头上。无论是南洋还是那一个“磨”字，都非常适合我现在的意境。

笑儿凌晨的一则信息让我突然觉得自己好对不起她，让她苦等。我惊讶我居然还记得怎样列队。看来作为列队比赛的一员还是让我学到了一些东西的。


2013-04-15
这是我对她最不舍的一次，也是她对我最不舍的一次。虽然有一脸短茬茬扎人的胡子，她还是亲了我两次，留下一堆软软思念组成的唇印。

幸好我花了30块买了一组iPhone5充电器，解决了这段时间手机电池的问题。我不知道我要怎样活在一个完全没法跟她联系的世界里。

A Confession of A NS Boy

I had a wife.
2 months and we were forced apart.
I served her well, but I was happy to part her.

Another 2 months, I switch between girlfriends.
Though relaxing, it was boring like hell.

Then I had another wife.
Decades older than me and we were together only a few hours every week.
We spent 1 year and 6 months, but I was happy to part her.

Now, I have another girl.
She has attachment though, a kid with explosive temper.
For a month we'll be together and after that, I would part her.

In the end, I decided to do some social work.
Give some love to a woman just like my last girl.
Once every year, a few weeks I'll spend.
I hope by then I would consider that a nice break.


2013-04-18
今天真的“chongshua”了……右半边身体已经完全不听使唤。看来明天的4公里是没戏了。不过着疲惫的心情在听到night out之后又瞬间高了起来！我也许能见到她；捧着她的脸；感受着她的体温，嬉笑。

就算是我，也只是一个恋爱中的人。
I've always thought that the idea of this would disgust me. It is really quite nice.

你碰到了我最害怕的一件事。我怕我身旁的一切都是假的。我是一个充满幻想的人。有时，我怕自己竟无法分清幻想和现实的国界。如果这一切都是一场美梦……我要看着你，把你印在脑海，走遍天涯找到你。


2013-04-24
腿伤了。不是特别疼，那是一种类似牙疼般的痛感。小笑笑来我家看我，还备了礼物。本来说她要是再住院我一听要去陪她，倒是我先中了。幸好不是医院。

幸福的同时也有点担心。我没有她的敏感度啊。

本来以为这几天不会出家门了，医生说尽量减少移动。但我这个热恋之人哪忍得住？

哈！被亲了……嘴哦……感觉根被一根大棒子在脑袋上打了一下似的，昏呼呼的幸福~




2013-04-24
榴弹，三粒。本来没多想什么，觉得不过三声响音。当然，现实永远比想象更精彩。

轰的一声巨响，气流迎面而来，一瞬间肺中的空气被压出。短暂的窒息让我感到些许无助。自我毁灭绝对是人类众多专长之一。

爱情。

看过很多有关爱情的哲理和故事。其中，“我爱你”应该是经常挂在嘴边的三个字。但只有在说出时，你才发觉这三个字有多么的重。每一个就好像一块大石，在原本幽静的心湖上留下一片片涟漪。但它落底低沉的声音却又那么让人觉得心安。

我真的恋爱了呢。


You are the path of this wind.

Sweet Thing
Keith Urban

When I picked you up for our first date baby
Well, your pretty blue eyes, they were drivin' me crazy
And the tiny little thought that was so amazing
Is they were lookin' at me

I held open the car door for you then you climbed
Inside and slid on over
To the other side... I thought my, oh my...

Sweet thing
The moon is high and the night is young
Come on and meet me
In the backyard under the Cottonwood tree
It's a good thing and I'm wishin'
C'mon sweet thing
Won't you climb on out of your window
While the world is sleepin'
Cause you know I need you
And there's no way I'll be leavin'
Til we're kissing on the porch swing
Oh my little sweet thing

Yeah I know I'm gonna see you first thing tomorrow
But I just couldn't wait so I had to borrow
Uncle Jake's Mustang, its his favorite car
And so I can't stay long...

Standin' here feeling like a love struck Romeo
All I wanna do is hold you close and steal a little more time
Is that such a crime?

Sweet thing
The moon is high and the night is young
Come on and meet me
In the backyard under the Cottonwood tree
It's a good thing and I'm wishin'
C'mon sweet thing
Won't you climb on out of your window
While the world is sleepin'
Cause you know I need you
And there's no way I'll be leavin'
Til we're kissing on the porch swing
Oh my little sweet thing

Sweet thing, sweet thing...

Oh my sweet thing
The moon is high and the night is young
Come on and meet me
In the backyard under the Cottonwood tree
It's a good thing and tell me I'm not dreamin'
C'mon sweet thing
Won't you climb on out of your window
While the world is sleepin'
Cause you know I need you
And there's no way I'll be leavin'
Til we're kissing on the porch swing
Oh my little sweet thing

Oh c'mon sweet thing, sweet thing, sweet thing...

Yeah, c'mon now a little now...
Oh my little sweet thing, yes you are

I wonder if it is part of growing up but as the years go on, holidays like Christmas, New Year and Chinese New Year mean less and less. I know. This experience is scientifically sound. As we gather experiences, each new one becomes increasingly lesser portion of all our experience as a whole. It is still rather sad that as we grow, we experience less emotions.

So, where are you Christmas? Do you change as we change too?

A little of self-motivation always help no matter how bleak the situation maybe. So...

I WILL SURVIVE! RAH!

Done.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, looking back, has there been even once that the situation I'm in is not bleak? Nope there has never been. By his blessing, I've always come through, one way or another, by His blessing and my effort. This time will too.

Some music that touched me today:

The burning desire to live and roam free
It shines in the dark and it grows within me
You're holding my hand but you don't understand
So where I'm going you won't be in the end


I'm dreaming in colors of getting the chance
Dreaming of trying the perfect romance
In search of the door to open your mind
In search of the cure of mankind


Help us, we're drowning
So close up inside


Why does it rain, rain, rain down on Utopia?
Why does it have to kill the idea of who we are?
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on Utopia?
How will the lights die down telling us who we are?


I'm searching for answers not given for free
You're hurting inside, is there life within me?
You're holding my hand but you don't understand
You're taking the road all alone in the end


I'm dreaming in colors, no boundaries are there
I'm dreaming the dream and I'll sing to share
In search of the door to open your mind
In search of the cure of mankind


Help us, we're drowning
So close up inside


Why does it rain, rain, rain down on Utopia?
Why does it have to kill the idea of who we are?
Why does it rain, rain, rain down on Utopia?
How will the lights die down telling us who we are?


Why does it rain, rain, rain down on Utopia?
Why does it have to kill the idea of who we are?
Oh, why does it rain, rain, rain down on Utopia?
How will the lights die down telling us who we are?
Why does it rain?

Whenever I am weary of this world, I go and listen to this song. "Seeking faith and speaking words that I'd never known I'd said..."

Lord... I beg you... Make me believe in my work. Guide me by my hand so I know it is from You and so I can continue walking despite the storm against it. Oh... Please... I believe in miracles because I believe in You. I believe that my strength is weak in front of You so it can be stronger and You can make my weakness my strength. All I need is that feeling, that feeling that You are behind me wherever I am, that nothing can stand in my way because You are with me. Oh Lord, bless those who are around me and make me a blessing to them. Give them the capacity to raise one another up and not put one another down. Give me the power to heal broken relationships and not to watch them get broken further.

And finally, a selfish prayer for myself. To have someone who can understand this me who can't be understood. To let me see that person, whoever she is. And grant me the ability to understand her.

And thanks in advance.

Amen. †

Gonna finish my little project very soon. Posting resume after that. Of course, I need plenty of sleep in between.

In the mean time, a beautiful song. A mix of love, lost, hatred and reunion. Sometimes I wish my life is this exciting. Most of the time, I wish it's not.

Even on a black and empty street, if we go together, we might one day find something, like the moon that floats in the darkness.

 I guess words like these do go really well with Fly Me To The Moon.

Few people KNOW their calling. I may want to be an architect now, a new calling may well appear some day. If it is a higher calling, I will probably pursue that instead of architecture. It has happened a few times in my life, though the journey never deviate much and I'm always "lucky" enough to find whatever preparation I did before helped me in the new calling too. Somewhat doubt that I will always be this "lucky" though. But then again, I probably will be. Why? Secret! Hahahahaha! It's because I once received a promise.

Spent a few hours preparing the next shoot. Currently, I'm planning on Clark Quay at night, long exposure with wide angle on the buildings with colorful lights. Since the theme of the next competition I'm trying to go into is Color, it makes sense to take these buildings. It also obeys my general direction of taking more architectural photography. Wish me luck! Can't wait to see the photos that I'm going to take.

"Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence" is a movie set in the Pacific theater during Second World War. It's about the absolutely forbidden love relationship between a Japanese commander and his prisoner of war, a US male marine. And this song was used to sum up the whole show. There's a vocal version called "Forbidden Color" but I personally prefer the non-vocal piano version much more.

This piece has everything I love about music inside. Sadness, excitement, endless feelings and emotions, love, regret and finally, a sense of peace. It speaks of a love that must not exist. It's like the color magenta, combing two ends of the color spectrum. It is a color that's absolutely impossible to exist yet so beautiful when you see it. And everything ends so suddenly. It's almost like sunset, the majestic magenta of the almost-night sky. And suddenly, it disappears into an endless torrent of deep blue and black.

I can never comprehend how our eyes identify a mix of many wavelength into a single color. It's almost like magic. No matter how science advances, I wish we never find out answers to certain questions, questions like these. I love to seek information but I guess sometimes, we should just stop at some point and believe, have faith that what's going on right now is the best!

Thank You for bringing me peace and reassurance in my time of need.

A friend of mine is coming back next month! I am excited. It's rare that I welcome a friend back. Usually things happen in reverse. I am somewhat glad that I have gained another "traveller" friend and I really am looking forward to hearing her experience studying overseas. Yet I am afraid. "Traveller" is not easy to be. It's not the physical act of travelling that is hard. It's managing relationships, handling strangers, looking after oneself. While anyone can become a "traveller", not everyone end up well. Some end up in seclusion. Some end up hating most things around them. Some end up only wearing a smile instead of smiling inside. I know because I've witnessed these myself and experienced first hand. And I don't want to see another person becoming like this.

I wasn't worried about my previous friend who became a "traveller". I know she can do it. She's my mentor; she's my elder in my spiritual family. I know and I know and I know, she can handle anything going abroad can throw at her. Yet I am not so confident about this one.

She had a much harder time than I did. I had family. I had knowledge that made me a target of envy in my class. Most importantly, I am "lucky". She's strong, smart and wonderful in all aspects, no doubt. Yet I am not confident whether she'll handle the pressure of being in another country well. Thus I pray for her, her health, her study, her safety, her everything. It's the only thing I can do. Guess there's another thing I can do, give her a song (I sound as if this song belongs to me... Lol. Doesn't matter.), a Brave Song.

It's not like she'll ever see this but I wish her to know that she's not alone. You're never alone. You have friends here, there, everywhere. When you're there, I pray that your friends will walk along side you and aid you when you're in need (To be fair, I also pray that you'll aid them when they are in need... Just so I won't be discriminating against anybody...). When you're here, I pray that you'll find an everlasting warmth and acceptance, one that will never disappear no matter how long you've been away.

Heh... It's often not the outside world that is scary. It's a foreign home that's the scariest. That's why I'm "lucky". Because of photography, every strange place is home to me as it only means more photograph opportunity! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Anyway, enjoy. (It has come to my attention that there seems to be one person consistently viewing my threads. Not sure who you are but I wish to thank you, for whatever reason that I should have and don't have yet... And if you're a spider, I wish you luck in searching whatever you're searching.)


Brave Song


I was always walking alone, When I turned around everyone was far behind
Even so I kept walking, That was what strength was
“I’m not afraid of anything anymore,” I try to whisper to myself
Everyone becomes alone someday living on only in memories
So that I can love and laugh even in loneliness I will fight
I will show no tears


I was always walking alone, A cliff waited for me at my destination
Even so I kept walking as proof of my strength
The strong wind blew against me, My shirt stuck to me with sweat
If I can forget everything someday living will become so much simpler
If I fall past oblivion that’s just running away
If only the meaning of having lived would disappear


Before long the wind died down and the sweat evaporated
I’ve become hungry, Did something happen?
Together with vibrant voices a pleasant scent came along


I was always walking alone, Everyone was waiting


Everyone becomes alone someday living on only in memories
Even so it’s fine, I will call these peaceful feelings my companions
Living somewhere I will someday forget the days that I spent with everyone as well
At that time I won’t be strong anymore
With the weakness of a normal girl tears will overflow

Ever Dream
Nightwish


Ever felt away with me
Just once that all I need
Entwined in finding you one day

Ever felt away without me
My love, it lies so deep
Ever dream of me

Would you do it with me
Heal the scars and change the stars
Would you do it for me
Turn loose the heaven within

I'd take you away
Castaway on a lonely day
Bosom for a teary cheek
My song can but borrow your grace

Ever felt away with me
Just once that all I need
Entwined in finding you one day

Ever felt away without me
My love, it lies so deep
Ever dream of me

(Dream of me...)

Come out, come out wherever you are
So lost in your sea
Give in, give in for my touch
For my taste, for my lust

Ever felt away with me
Just once that all I need
Entwined in finding you one day

Ever felt away without me
My love, it lies so deep
Ever dream of me

Your beauty cascaded on me
In this white night fantasy

(Dream of me...)

Ever felt away with me
Just once that all I need
Entwined in finding you one day

Ever felt away without me
My love, it lies so deep
Ever dream of me

Ever felt away with me
Just once that all I need
Entwined in finding you one day

Ever felt away without me
My love, it lies so deep
Ever dream of me

(Dream of me...)

Ever felt away with me
Just once that all I need
Entwined in finding you one day

Ever felt away without me
My love, it lies so deep
Ever dream of me

After so many years, I still fall back to this song every now and then to find comfort. I am always amazed by music. The songwriter doesn't know most of his/her audiences, yet he/she is able to touch them so deeply sometimes that it makes me wonder if they know our deepest and darkest secrets. And it's not those with lyrics that are truly amazing, it is those without lyrics. Without uttering a single word, it can make people laugh or cry.

Just not long ago, I heard a Chinese singer saying this: 即使所有的乐器全部消失，大自然的声音也是一种音乐。如果连这些大自然界的声音都完全消失了的话，也许那就是真正的世界末日了吧。Funny thing is, some scientists agree. There are scientists who believe the true indicator of life is the ability to produce music, even unknowingly. According to them, some star systems maybe "alive" in some sense because they produce music. Music is part and parcel of every society and every walk of life. It is like a masterpiece born out of a chaos of different wavelength and amplitude. It is beautiful.

I have no desire in pursuing music. I have grown over that period of my life. However, I really hope to know a musician from young and maybe get him to compose a song about me when I'm old. Just curious how it would be like. Chaotic? Sad? Cheerful? Full of doubts and mystique? Well, I'll never know. Maybe it will be down right plain! Hahahahaha!

Ever felt away with me?
Ever felt away without me?
Ever dream of me?

I am a traveller. I came from a foreign place, living in one and will probably end up in yet another one. I find it hard to stop travelling, it's like an addiction. So much to see, so much to experience, it is exciting to feel new things. After picking up photography, this feeling became even stronger as I am finally able to freeze those feeling in time and re-experience them whenever I want to.

It is not without a price of course. Acceptance is sometimes hard to obtain. Every once in a while, people like to express just how much they wish I'm not here taking up their jobs, university spots, whatsoever. Friendship became hard to maintain as well. I became so particular about this word "friend" that I hurt myself and other people (of course I've learned to loosen up). Memories become really valuable as they are the only things that is truly with me when I move around.

I need to move on. Dwelling too long in one place will only cause the negative aspect of travelling to increase while moving forward will increase the positive aspect. It has been almost 10 years living Singapore, I have this strong feeling that I will travel again really soon, probably to a place for tertiary studies. Question is, where? I have two targets in mind: UK and Australia. UK offers better architecture schools and more history in culture for me to study from and experience. Australia offers a cheaper lifestyle and friends. It is a really hard choice. While most people will go for better schools almost immediately, I hesitate when I see the word "friend". I would do almost anything to have another good experience with a friend that is away... Yet, to increase the number of experiences I have in future, I need better degree to get myself a better job... This is hard...

Well, a song for all the travellers include myself, by Laura Shigihara, named Faster. The singer is the one who sang the ending song of Plant vs. Zombies, and the lyrics is quite meaningful to me.